“My Marriage Is Bad, But Not Abusive… Or Is It?”

I didn’t admit that my marriage was abusive until years after my divorce. Even when he humiliated me, degraded me, reminded me that I was worthless, shoved me against walls, broke my personal items, or disappeared overnight, I still would tell myself that my marriage is bad, but it wasn’t abuse. 

I repeatedly told myself:

“I would know if I were a victim — and I can’t be, because I would never allow that to happen. I would leave.”

“It’s bad, but there are good moments.”

 “I wish he would hit me again.” Despite the bruises, marks, and pains, I told myself that if he actually injured me, then I would leave because that would be abuse. 

Countless survivors who did not experience physical abuse, but endured psychological, verbal, sexual, or financial abuse, have told me that they also thought “I wish he would hit me just once, because then I would leave.”

The common theme that I hear from survivors, and that I experienced myself, is the belief that our abuse wasn’t “bad enough” to be considered abuse. If we weren’t hit, we told ourselves that we needed to be.  If we were hit, we convinced ourselves that we needed injuries.  If we had injuries, we rationalized that they were minor because we could hide them. We became masters at minimizing, justifying, and excusing.

I also became a master at compartmentalizing – and simply forgetting. I could endure my husband’s outrage one moment and then walk into my office with a smile on my face, working as though I hadn’t just been accused of having an affair, degraded, or threatened. To this day, over eight years later, I still have to wrack my brain to remember some of the worse things that happened– things that most people would never forget. 

But it was abuse.  It didn’t need to be “more” or “worse.”   It was all abuse.

If you have had these thoughts, I suggest you ask yourself the following questions.

• Do I avoid certain places, actions, people, or topics because they make my partner unreasonably upset?

• Do I edit or leave out parts of stories about my relationship or partner because I’m worried others might think badly about my partner or my relationship?          

• Do I feel like I often minimize or excuse my partner’s behaviors or actions?            

• Am I frequently checking in with or updating my partner about my whereabouts because I feel anxious or afraid of being questioned or accused?

• Do I feel like I’m constantly accommodating my partner to avoid their negative actions or reactions?   

• Do I feel punished by my partner when I do something they do not like?      

• Do I feel anxious or fearful about how my partner might react to my actions or decisions?

• Have I experienced or feared physical harm, threats or destruction of my property from my partner?

• Has my partner ever called me names, made degrading comments, yelled, intimidated, or belittled me?

• Does my partner give me the silent treatment when they are upset with me?

• Does my partner’s behavior make me feel isolated from my friends or family or make me miss out on social activities?

•  Does my partner frequently criticize or find fault in what I do– even in small things?

• Does my partner use affection (physical or emotional) or time together as a way to reward or punish me?

• Does my partner talk down to me or treat me like I am a child?

• Does my partner make jokes or comments that feel humiliating or hurtful, especially in public?

• Does my partner use intimacy or sex as a way to control or pressure me?

• Has my partner ever shamed me about my sexual desires or pressured me to meet their desires?

• Does my partner manage or control my access to money by withholding, restricting, questioning, or taking it from me?

If you answered yes to any of these, it may be a sign that your relationship is affecting your well-being and may be abusive. Recognizing these behaviors that feel harmful or unsafe is a brave first step. 

To learn more about the many forms abuse can take, you can explore additional resources here. And if you’re ready to reclaim your freedom and peace, TLC is here to support you. We will walk beside you every step of the way.

Certified Professional Coach Amanda Lee has been in your shoes. She endured—and ultimately broke free from—an abusive marriage while building a successful career as an attorney. Today, she uses that lived experience and professional expertise to guide others toward safety, clarity, and a future defined by strength, not fear.

Let TLC help you find the freedom to thrive.

If you are in immediate danger - call 911.