“My Marriage Is Bad, But Not Abusive… Or Is It?”

I didn’t admit that my marriage was abusive until years after my divorce. Even when he humiliated me, degraded me, reminded me that I was worthless, shoved me against walls, broke my personal items, or disappeared overnight, I still would tell myself that my marriage is bad, but it wasn’t abuse. 

I repeatedly told myself:

“I would know if I were a victim — and I can’t be, because I would never allow that to happen. I would leave.”

“It’s bad, but there are good moments.”

 “I wish he would hit me again.” Despite the bruises, marks, and pains, I told myself that if he actually injured me, then I would leave because that would be abuse. 

Countless survivors who did not experience physical abuse, but endured psychological, verbal, sexual, or financial abuse, have told me that they also thought “I wish he would hit me just once, because then I would leave.”

The common theme that I hear from survivors, and that I experienced myself, is the belief that our abuse wasn’t “bad enough” to be considered abuse. If we weren’t hit, we told ourselves that we needed to be.  If we were hit, we convinced ourselves that we needed injuries.  If we had injuries, we rationalized that they were minor because we could hide them. We became masters at minimizing, justifying, and excusing.

I also became a master at compartmentalizing – and simply forgetting. I could endure my husband’s outrage one moment and then walk into my office with a smile on my face, working as though I hadn’t just been accused of having an affair, degraded, or threatened. To this day, over eight years later, I still have to wrack my brain to remember some of the worse things that happened– things that most people would never forget. 

But it was abuse.  It didn’t need to be “more” or “worse.”   It was all abuse.

If you have had these thoughts, I suggest you ask yourself the following questions.

• Do I avoid certain places, actions, people, or topics because they make my partner unreasonably upset?

• Do I edit or leave out parts of stories about my relationship or partner because I’m worried others might think badly about my partner or my relationship?          

• Do I feel like I often minimize or excuse my partner’s behaviors or actions?            

• Am I frequently checking in with or updating my partner about my whereabouts because I feel anxious or afraid of being questioned or accused?

• Do I feel like I’m constantly accommodating my partner to avoid their negative actions or reactions?   

• Do I feel punished by my partner when I do something they do not like?      

• Do I feel anxious or fearful about how my partner might react to my actions or decisions?

• Have I experienced or feared physical harm, threats or destruction of my property from my partner?

• Has my partner ever called me names, made degrading comments, yelled, intimidated, or belittled me?

• Does my partner give me the silent treatment when they are upset with me?

• Does my partner’s behavior make me feel isolated from my friends or family or make me miss out on social activities?

•  Does my partner frequently criticize or find fault in what I do– even in small things?

• Does my partner use affection (physical or emotional) or time together as a way to reward or punish me?

• Does my partner talk down to me or treat me like I am a child?

• Does my partner make jokes or comments that feel humiliating or hurtful, especially in public?

• Does my partner use intimacy or sex as a way to control or pressure me?

• Has my partner ever shamed me about my sexual desires or pressured me to meet their desires?

• Does my partner manage or control my access to money by withholding, restricting, questioning, or taking it from me?

If you answered yes to any of these, it may be a sign that your relationship is affecting your well-being and may be abusive. Recognizing these behaviors that feel harmful or unsafe is a brave first step. 

To learn more about the many forms abuse can take, you can explore additional resources here. And if you’re ready to reclaim your freedom and peace, TLC is here to support you. We will walk beside you every step of the way.

Certified Professional Coach Amanda Lee has been in your shoes. She endured—and ultimately broke free from—an abusive marriage while building a successful career as an attorney. Today, she uses that lived experience and professional expertise to guide others toward safety, clarity, and a future defined by strength, not fear.

Let TLC help you find the freedom to thrive.

If you are in immediate danger - call 911.

A Letter to My Former Self: You Are Worthy

You do not call yourself a survivor. You don’t even admit that you are a victim. But deep down, you know that what’s happening in your home and in your marriage isn’t right. You know the feelings of fear and anxiety all too well — it has become your normal emotional state. It doesn’t come and go, it only intensifies and lessens, but is never gone.   

Day after day, you fight to mask those feelings in public. You force a smile, struggle to enjoy even the happiest moments, and perpetually fight to survive, sometimes physically, always mentally. I see you thriving at work, earning respect, and being a fierce advocate with a relentless work ethic. I see you meeting the demands of your kids and your household, and being active in your community. I see you doing it all on little to no sleep. I see the pain in your eyes when you decline an invite from a friend, and I see the tears when you realize that the invites have stopped coming.

I hear him screaming at you, and sometimes you scream back — but each time, you question yourself, wondering if you deserve the words he hurls at you. I see him breaking windows, throwing objects, and shattering your heart. I see you pinned down, struggling, and later hiding the marks he left behind. I see you holding your baby with tears streaming down your face, praying she didn’t hear what just happened to her mother, and hoping your son never raises his voice.

I know how skillfully you’ve learned to compartmentalize — to live as two versions of yourself. One is the confident, capable professional who shows up to work and social events with grace and strength. The other is the silenced woman, hidden beneath layers of shame, who feels worthless, undeserving, and invisible. She whispers doubts: “Are you really worthy of praise or love? Do you deserve to be happy?” And even as the strong woman shines, that scared voice echoes louder in your mind.

I know the answer to those questions without even knowing the context – because the answer is yes, one hundred times yes.  You are worthy of praise, love, happiness, and greatness. And to be clear, you do not deserve to be abused. Nothing you have done justifies it. Every time your abuser blames you, remember this: he always has the choice to walk away — but instead, he chooses to harm. That choice is his, not yours.

Your successes are yours — hard-earned, well-deserved, and real. The confident woman you show the world is not an imposter. She is you. And though the insecure voice may sometimes shout louder, it does not define you. These traits are each a part of you, and each one has contributed to your survival. Be proud of that. Even the parts that you wish away have given you extraordinary strengths: Your fear has sharpened your awareness and intuition. Your anxiety has made you proactive and prepared. Your insecurity has fueled your drive to grow and improve. But, as beneficial as those parts have been, those parts deserve rest - they have worked hard for years. And, you deserve rest too. Your mind is always racing, your body is tense, you are always on edge, and you are exhausted.

You deserve to feel confident and joyful without the whispers of doubt haunting you.

You deserve peace, safety, and the freedom to live as your whole self .

I know the idea of freedom can feel impossible when you are feeling isolated, ashamed, and afraid. You may feel certain that no one could understand. But, you are not alone. One day, you will meet other survivors, and they will know your pain and understand your fears. Together, your hearts will ache and a rare, special bond will be formed as you tell each other the same story with different details.

Right now, you are convinced that this is the life you are destined to live. You have learned to navigate a life with abuse, and the thought of leaving feels overwhelming. The unknown feels scarier than the abuse you already know. Yet, there are times when you allow yourself to imagine leaving and for a brief moment you feel excitement. But then, your insecure parts come screaming in your mind:

What will happen to my kids?

What will my family, colleagues, clients, and friends think?

How will I learn to live a new life while juggling three young children and a demanding career?

What if no one believes me?

And, then you remember all that you have missed out on – friendships, partnership, intimacy, moments of motherhood, professional opportunities - and you convince yourself that it is not worth the risk of losing what little you do have.

I am not going to lie and tell you that abuse doesn’t steal parts of life from you - it does - and its okay to feel anger, sadness, and grief about that. But, I am not going to let you dwell on what you’ve missed out on or allow you to define yourself by what you don’t have. Instead, I am going to encourage you to look at all that you have endured and overcome, and all that you have achieved in spite of that. You are stronger than your trauma - you are a beautiful, strong, survivor.

And that life that you can’t even imagine is waiting for you. The journey to that new life is not going to be easy but that’s okay because you can handle difficult times - and this time, instead of enduring pain simply to experience it again, you have freedom, safety, and happiness waiting for you.  Be ready though. You are going to struggle through the healing journey because healing from abuse is more than learning ways to cope – it requires rewiring your brain, learning who you are, reliving your trauma, and taking a deep dive into your actions, thoughts, and behaviors to determine which are out of pure survival and which are a result of your own needs and desires. But the struggles of healing fuel your growth, unlike the pain of abuse.

I don’t want to spoil it for you but I will give you a sneak peak at what your new norm will be - your kids are happy and thriving, you are successful, you know what healthy relationships of all kinds look like, and you found true love – and you believe that you are worthy of it all.